Ah, life

Just when i think things can't get worse, well, they do. Reminds me that things are never really that bad, i am not starving to death, and i have my health for the most part. Things will now get back to normal, business as usual.

Got a call from maryann this morning, not good, but it happens, went and hung out with Steph while she was taking care of some kids, it was interesting. Now its off to work.

Whatever.

Life is just so much fun

I want a fucking vacation. I wish I could just up and leave all the shit that is going on right now and not have to worry for once. Like that is going to happen. Things seem strained with Maryann again, but as always, its probably just in my head. I usually get like this when we don't really talk that much for a while, most of the phone calls seem to be one of us calling the other, and then 2 minutes later, she wants to get off the phone. God, am I paranoid. And I guess there isn't really anything between us right now so I need to fucking get over it.

I suck

I just got off the phone with Maryann, and god have I fucked things up. I asked a question that I had to ask for my sanity, and it was either the wrong time or something, but it hurt her, I hurt her. That is one thing that I never wanted to do. I know she can't commit to me right now, but sometimes she seems like she is. I want it, but she can't yet, I know she wants to, or at least part of her wants to, but i will never force her to. She has been focred into enough shit recently, and I am not going to do that to her.

All I want to do for her is to give her what she needs, and maybe eventually we can be together, but not yet, as much as I want it, not yet.

Thursdays are evil

Thursdays are my least favorite days. I work both my jobs, and then have to go back to work Friday morning after not enough sleep. Goody, tomorrow will be great on no sleep. The nice thing is that I was able to leave lab early today because I am just waiting no stuff that is running. The only problem with that is... that I am waiting for stuff that is running. So, now I have to go into the lab after I get out of Best Buy tonight, and that means i will probably be really grouchy tomorrow. But, you never know, if i stay long enough, i may not go in in the morning.

I hung out with Marc last night, it was nice to see him again. We saw Fantastic 4, which I must say was, not fantastic. Some nice parts, but overall the direction and acting, and writing sucked. But hey, I got to hang out with Marc.

I talked to my father this morning on yahoo messenger, he is adjusting well to being in Bahrain. He actually got to handle 2 million in cash recently, it was his frist time, and probably the last.

Yeah, stuff

Well, there has been a lot going on recently. I went to Maryann's for a few days for the fourth of July and for the end of Heritage Days in Bath, Maine. It was a good time, and it seems that her parents don't hate me, which is good. I got to meet a lot of people that she hung out with and/or knew in high school and it was interesting to see how she changed around them. She really didn't change much, but there is always the small changes, I notice it in myself when I go home sometimes, god, I was very different before this past year and a half.

Things are not going so well at home. There have been some issues with my mother. She is going to be losing her full time spot at work, and going down to per diem, meaning no benefits, and less hours, thank god that they are letting her keep her pay rate, but it means that I will now be the one earning the most money between the two of us, fuck. It also means that it is time to do some serious research into MassHealth, and other ways to get coverage, and prescriptions, how am I going to get the medication that will keep me breathing....

All I want is for everything to go away, except maybe Maryann, and Brendan, they can stay.

Sean got a kitten

I got home this afternoon and my grandmother says, "Sean is a father." Yeah, brief freak out there, then my grandmother elaborates and says that he got a kitten. Its so cute. You know how kittens can't really do anything without falling down, and are just so cute and little. Makes me want one, except the fact that I am not really a cat person, and the lack of time to take care of one. Oh well. Tomorrow should be interesting, working 9am-12am... should be interesting.

Another day

Another day, another problem, another feeling of helplessness; On of these days I will be okay, really, but until then there is lots of listening to emo and staring off into space. Family members are going back to Texas tonight, so I am going to go soon back to Barre and see them. Hopefully they will come back sooner than they did last time. It would not be fun for them to disappear for another eight years.

I was talking to Jay today and he suggested that I just walk away from the whole turbulent situation and leave it for the start of the semester, just take some space, have a good time this summer and not let things get complicated. Sometimes I think I may, but most of the time, I just don't want to let go. Maybe than means I should? Another night to sleep on it and some exhaustion the tomorrow night and maybe I will be able to figure everything out. That and listening to more Something Corporate.

Need more walls.

Turmoil

Some days you get up ready for the day, and just know its going to suck, but for some reason you feel the need to just jump into it. Today was one of those days. Issues with Maryann, which is understandable, though that does not make it any less painful. Things just don't work out the way that is easy. Now I am waiting to hear from her again, and waiting for the threatening phone calls to start, waiting for more crying phone calls, more frustration, more, more, more...

But life goes on